


burnout syndrome

by gnomeo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Burnout Syndrome, M/M, a manifestation of my own experience, a pep talk for myself and other burnout kids, i just put akaashi into it for fun, it's really vague bc it was originally about something else, lol sorry this is bad, lots of metaphors, struggling college student
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26702428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gnomeo/pseuds/gnomeo
Summary: “Is it bad to be a burnout kid?”“I don’t think so.”“When fires die, don’t phoenixes rise from its ashes?”
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	burnout syndrome

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally just a brainrot i had at like 4am about my quite depressing high school situation and being a burnout gifted student, but then i thought about turning it into a story, so i did
> 
> enjoy ♥

To survive, a flame needs oxygen. It takes big, gulping breaths of it and grows stronger with each one, ready to burn away anything in its path.

Without oxygen, flames dwindle. They gasp and beg for just a little more, just a quick breath of air, and then they flicker out and leave only dusty ashes behind.

Burning out.

* * *

In his hands is a flimsy piece of paper, shaking ever so slightly in perfect tune to his own trembling hands.

Another failed grade.

“Akaashi!! What did you get?”

“Oh, um—”

“I got a 92 percent! Isn’t that awesome? I studied so hard for this test.”

“That’s great, Konoha.”

“Thank you, Akaashi!”

Akaashi smiles softly as his friend turns and saunters away, neglecting the question completely.

Akaashi wishes he was more like Konoha. Nearing his peak years in life, ready to go out and grab the world by it’s coattails. Is it pathetic to say Akaashi might have already passed his time? They were only third years. It must be pathetic, then, to have already peaked so young.

The older you get, the more pressure is put upon you to be mature and organized. So why did Akaashi meet those expectations better in primary school than he does in high school?

“So observant!!”

“So clever!!”

“Always raising the bar, Akaashi!!”

Maybe the bar had gotten too heavy for him. Maybe it had fallen and crushed all of his hopes along with it.

A veterinarian. An artist. A writer. A volleyball player. A director. An astronaut. A lawyer.

He had strived to be so many things. Threw himself into every hobby that was put in front of him. He had played violin and trumpet. He'd taken all types of dance. He'd played volleyball competitively. He went to a STEM Club. He regularly got perfect grades.

But he was only ever mediocre. A jack of all trades, a master of none.

All that’s left to show for his years of hard work are memories. Seeing his parents in the crowd of his concert, getting frozen yogurt with his team after a game, study sessions after school, being called the “future world-changer.”

He would never change the world, he’s concluded.

And now, he wonders if he’ll end up with a 9 to 5 job in some musty office that smells of coffee and hairspray, the carpets too dirty to ever be vacuumed fully, and the ceaseless clatter of keyboards and ringing of telephones. Polite smiles and passive aggressive words exchanged between coworkers, maybe even a drink or two to celebrate someone else’s promotion, and never his own. Was that what he was destined to do?

Even just a little bit of work drained him now. He was always stuck. Suspended on the thin line between the permanent push of expectations and the nagging pull of rest.

* * *

“Could you tell me about yourself?”

What a normal inquiry.

And yet, two decades of living on Earth, and Akaashi still had no answer to that question. He had gotten through high school on forced extracurriculars and all nighters. Graduating had led to college, an expectation he was simply fulfilling, and now he was just another nobody. There wasn’t anything he could say about himself. He had no hobbies, no quirks. Just a normal college student struggling to finish a paragraph that would have taken his 10 minutes in junior high.

And now, when a boy he had met not even two hours ago asked him that question, he was left stumbling over his words and forgetting how to form a proper sentence.

He decided on reciting the answer he usually went with: listing basic personality traits he had picked up from whatever movie character he had seen last.

“Oh, well, I like to read, and cook. I usually just hang out with my friends, though.”

He hadn’t hung out with anyone in four weeks. Too busy having a mental crisis over what his thesis statement was going to be, he supposed.

“Do you want to go on a date with me, Akaashi?”

An excuse to procrastinate? Gladly.

“Yes, I would love to, Bokuto.”

* * *

This boy he had met was the complete opposite of him.

He had passions, dreams, goals, and a sense of determination so strong it sometimes scared Akaashi. He had worked for years after an amazing high school career to become a professional volleyball player, and it was working. Akaashi was simply a side character in Bokuto’s movie.

He half lamented his boring fate, and half accepted it.

* * *

Now, two months into that mismatched relationship, Akaashi felt useless. Compared to such a star, he really was unremarkable.

When you’re in love, Time is a blessing and a curse. One day comes right after another, bestowing more and more Time for you and your loved one to spend together, savoring special moment after special moment. And yet, it also pushes you closer to when you will separate, the threat ever looming in the distance, so you wish for Time to freeze and keep you happy in one singular moment for the rest of your life.

As of right now, Akaashi hates Time. Why did it drag him into adulthood, with all of this pressure and responsibility? Why couldn’t he just be a child for the rest of his life?

But he also thanks Time. He got to grow up and met this wonderfully crazy man, and now, much to his own surprise, he's head over heels in love.

“Akaashi, do you remember when I asked you to tell me about yourself?”

“Yes, I do.”

A guy he met two months ago, who he was now holding hands with and sharing a milkshake, asked him that question once again.

“Could you tell me about yourself for real this time?”

* * *

A flame needs oxygen to survive, just like a human does.

If you work yourself to the brink of exhaustion, never pausing, never acknowledging your own success, always letting others set expectations for you instead of creating your own—

You burn out.

Just like a fire when deprived of its precious breath of air, you dwindle down, and all that’s left behind is the gray, ugly, useless ashes.

Akaashi hasn’t read in months. Neither has he cooked. He hasn’t had a real friend to talk to his whole life really, because before he was too busy doing his work, and now he’s too busy trying to avoid it. Not to mention the crushing internal monologues battling between encouragement and self deprecation.

He’s just so, so exhausted.

* * *

“Unfortunately, I am not interesting.”

“Then tell me all the boring things about you.”

* * *

What was different about him? What was unique? What stood out?

Was there anything interesting about him at all?

He was just another one of thousands of kids who grew up as stars, but all stars must eventually die. People put up a front, pretending to be just as strong as ever, and then they dwindle and disappear from everyone’s minds. How disappointing, to be a star.

And just like a star, taking its 8 minutes and 20 seconds to reach our eyes on Earth, he continues his act until they finally realize he, too, has disappointed them and that his previously promising starlight has been snuffed out.

He wonders if being a burnout means to be stuck forever in that 8 minutes and 20 seconds. People always look to you for the example of perfection, of hard work, always asking for the answers or “could you write my essay?” They never stick around long enough, just 8 minutes or so, to realize the truth.

* * *

“Is it bad to be a burnout kid?”

“I don’t think so.”  
“When fires die, don’t phoenixes rise from its ashes?”

* * *

Akaashi wonders if he even knows how to be a phoenix.

Can he brush off the ash and rise again?

If you look close enough, all burnout students have remains of their old promising talent mixed in with the ashes, like the embers smoldering gently until they get a second chance at life. Akaashi knows he has a good vocabulary. He knows he can understand complex topics that only an intelligent person could.

And yet, those skills have been buried under the pile of ash that is his exhaustion.

So he wonders, could he really be a phoenix?

* * *

“When you hit rock bottom, isn’t the only place left to go, up?”

“I suppose so.”

* * *

Honestly, he has nothing better to do.

So,

he rises from the ashes.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading :)  
> hope it didn't suck too bad, cause i only wrote like 2 drafts. 
> 
> anyways, just a little pep talk for my fellow burnout gifted students!! it's okay to feel exhausted by everything and be unmotivated. you are just as smart as you ever were!! you just locked it away in a part of your brain, and believe me when i tell you it's one of the most gratifying feelings in the world when you find an outlet for all of your old talent. i found writing to be great for my overactive imagination, and i still struggle with finding the right word even if i probably would have known it in middle school. but it gives me a chance to pour all of my random ideas and stupid ramblings onto paper, and it's helped me get better at writing for school, too.  
> anywho just very proud of the fact that i snuck in the fact that akaashi thinks bokuto is a star 🤪
> 
> much love,  
> gnomeo


End file.
